My exam results came back today. I can now finally let my brain calm the hell down for a month or so.
I passed everything. I am really glad, and I can actually say that now. To be honest with you I was having doubts about how last semester went. Every subject had an exam and with exams comes that uncertainty that you actually read the question correctly, studied the right thing, made sense, wrote the number of pages used correctly and all the other tiny things that make sleeping ‘post exam’ hard. Now I am through that and on the other side where I can be honest about my terror and the fact that I had considered multiple options for failure.
Option one – “I’m not even bothered, fuck it…”
Option two – Blame others for my inability to pass a certain paper.
Option three – Pretend I passed them all and change my mind about summer school, promptly picking up a paper or two.
None of these options involved me being an adult about it and I guess that is something I should think about. I will face some sort of disappointment and/or failure in the next three years. There will be something and I think I need to be honest with myself and admit that I find dealing with my faults incredibly difficult and I feel like it leads to me not taking things seriously. If I take something really seriously then I will potentially look like a fool if I fail.
No more! I am a youth mentor so I need to set a better example… “crap!” … The youth mentor thing, I said I would write about my new job ages ago and haven’t. Again it’s because, although I take my job very seriously when I am there, I don’t talk about it because it seems too good to be true and I am still learning. There is that feeling like I could fail and be let go at any moment.
I hope this has struck a cord with someone. I hope at least one of you can recognise a reluctance in yourself to tell people about your plans without minimising the importance by making jokes or announcing your potential failure before you’ve even begun. Don’t do that anymore. You’re awesome. I am awesome. If we fail it’s only because we were brave enough to try. x